Mad Man Goes on Wild 12-day Killing Spree, Caught
A man from Libertyville, Arkansas was arrested in downtown Little Rock this week following his 12-day killing spree. Jonathan Willem Jacob Peters was arrested by Deputy Earl Baker of Little Rock's Sheriff's Department. Says Baker of the fateful day, " Well, we got a call in about some crazy [explicit, deleted] killin' a bunch o' squirrels and birds with a sling-shot and bottle caps fer twelve days straight."
Peters' spree started early on the morning of April 18, a day that will live in infamy. When asked why he harbored such malice towards relatively "cute" animals, Peters replied, "I hate 'em! Them [explicit, deleted] squirrels are always sittin' there with their nuts mockin' me! Tryn' ta take my memories!" When asked about the birds all he said was, "Those little [explicit, deleted] were always [explicit, deleted] on my car."
According to Deputy Baker, who, for his valor, will be receiving the highest honor Arkansas has to offer, a free meal at any Denny's in the Little Rock area, the perpetrator was spotted in a local gas station relieving himself in the fountain drink machine. No one really noticed until he was seen reading the latest issue of Cosmo Girl and was told by the attendant on duty, Masham Al-Hazzim, that the gas station was "not a library" and to pay for his fountain drink and the magazine and leave. That's when Peters revealed his sling-shot, and Al-Hazzim, recognizing him from the news, beat him into submission with his shoes. "It was rather easy, actually," recalled Al-Hazzim, "He was only used to challenging little furry creatures."
-J. Vanzo